Waiting Until....

I'm noticing a pattern in my life. I've gotten stuck in the "my life will be better when" thinking. My life will be better when I finish school... when I take a break from school... when I get a job... when I get a DIFFERENT and better job... when I move somewhere new.... It doesn't really seem to be working out.

I'm a firm believer in all that "live in the moment" crap. I really am. I don't want to be constantly looking forward to some vague future. But the thing is, no one ever really tells you how to do that live in the moment stuff. The thing that really made me realize I'm having a problem with that? A few months ago I thought "I'm going to start running. I'll feel better when I start running regularly." Now, all I can think is "I can't wait until the marathon is over in a few weeks and I can stop running. I'll feel better when I take a break from running."

I know all this stuff sounds pretty trivial the way I'm presenting it, because when I communicate (speaking or otherwise) I tend to try to put a casual or upbeat spin on things. If I'm being perfectly honest I have to admit that sometimes (but not always) it's a bit of a cover.

That's definitely the case this time.

I hate to be so negative, but if I'm being perfectly honest I think I have to admit to myself that I might be struggling with clinical depression. It's something I've dealt with off and on in the past, and there's family history and all that crap. I guess I need to get actually diagnosed or something. But if I'm being perfectly honest I think I need to admit I might need to get on some medication or something.

I hate even putting this out there because I think people sort of don't understand. "Oh just be happy" or "stop stressing" or "you're just having a bad day." Um, yeah, thanks for THAT but I really think you're missing it. Anyway, this post isn't about other people so I guess that's a bit of a sidestep.

Another observation I have? It's the worst kind of catch 22 ever. I feel unstable and unmotivated towards my life, and one of the things that could possibly help (meds) feels out of reach because I'm unmotivated towards taking the steps necessary to get it. And I have a wavering view of it. One minute I think I need it (like now, 9:30 at night when there's nothing I can do about it) and the next I'm telling myself "nah, maybe you're ok."

Well for now I'm going to go paint for a bit. At least that's a bit of a mood lifter that's immediately accessible. Now that I'm thinking about it, I do have one more observation to make. Although I didn't realize it at the time, in hind sight I think I was dealing with some of the worst depression I've experienced in a while last year at about this time. THEN I didn't even have the motivation to pick up a paint brush even though I knew it would be good for me (or pick up anything really, not even the TV remote) so I guess on the bright side I can say that at least I'm not there anymore... that's still not living in the present though. That's just comparing myself to the past.

I need to see a doctor. This really isn't a self diagnosis thing. I don't even know where to start though. It just feels like another thing to be overwhelmed by in my life.

I hate this. Honesty sucks.

Just some sketches...

I have a new idea for some art, but I kind of feel like it could potentially go horribly wrong.

I haven't painted or done anything artistic in general (other than some light scrap booking) in quite a while. Like maybe over a year or so. But I got a sudden inspiration recently that I think I'm going to run with.

I want to do some 3D mulit-medium stuff. I have some 12 by 12 wood planks left over from a project at home that I think I will mount in an open frame. I'll do my painting on the wood plank and then I want to incorporate some more 3D aspects to it. I found some tiny wood rounds (hard to explain) that I think would work well. I'm thinking of doing a peacock painting so I would paint on the wood rounds as well and work them in as the eyes in the feathers. Then I started thinking I might like to fill the space between the painting and the frame (where the mat would be in a more traditional piece of art) with silk flowers. That's an idea that came sort of last minute so we'll see about that.

I guess we'll see about the whole thing. It sounds a bit crafty, but my vision of it is actually really cool. Does this sort of thing count as "real art"? Actually, when I think about it I don't really think anything I do could be considered "real art" (especially when you consider how inconsistent I am in actually doing it. There are people out there that make a living at this? Like full time? Like they have enough ideas to create full time and put together entire shows? Really?), but anyway it feeds my soul so "real art" or not I think I just might do it anyway.

I'm in a bit of a peacock mood lately. I think the last time I painted (like really got into it at least) it was peacock themed. Whatever. I just might go with it. See how it turns out.

Seriously these are only sketches and you in no way get the whole 3D multi-medium thing here, but here is my rough idea thus far. I felt the need to post it just to get the idea out there. Make it more tangible or something. (Silly, I know)

And that's my rant for tonight!

Evil Dead The Musical

Not sure whose familiar with the Evil Dead trilogy and whose not, but for those who are unfamiliar Evil Dead is a terrible, horrible, bad acting, over-the-top, fabulous series of zombie movies that has an incredible cult following for its unique ridiculousness. My husband happens to be part of the cult. So when we heard the muscial based on these movies was showing in Phoenix we of course jumped on it as the perfect opportunity for a compromise. We figured, I love musicals (and all stage performances in general, but especially musicals) and he loves zombies (and all things un-dead) so this must be made for us!

It was an absolute blast. So funny! Great music! Great performance! And a fake blood splash zone which of course we sat in making it all that much more fun. It was absolute over-the-top, hilarious, ridiculous, fake blood, musical fun!

Here's a picture of us after our experience in the splash zone :)




The best part? My husband had so much fun that he admitted (with absolutely no encouragement!) that musicals aren't half bad. He's actually interested in seeking out others with me. As long as they're of the quirky variety, which is always my favorite kind anyway ;)

Absolutely fabulous night!!