Waiting Until....

I'm noticing a pattern in my life. I've gotten stuck in the "my life will be better when" thinking. My life will be better when I finish school... when I take a break from school... when I get a job... when I get a DIFFERENT and better job... when I move somewhere new.... It doesn't really seem to be working out.

I'm a firm believer in all that "live in the moment" crap. I really am. I don't want to be constantly looking forward to some vague future. But the thing is, no one ever really tells you how to do that live in the moment stuff. The thing that really made me realize I'm having a problem with that? A few months ago I thought "I'm going to start running. I'll feel better when I start running regularly." Now, all I can think is "I can't wait until the marathon is over in a few weeks and I can stop running. I'll feel better when I take a break from running."

I know all this stuff sounds pretty trivial the way I'm presenting it, because when I communicate (speaking or otherwise) I tend to try to put a casual or upbeat spin on things. If I'm being perfectly honest I have to admit that sometimes (but not always) it's a bit of a cover.

That's definitely the case this time.

I hate to be so negative, but if I'm being perfectly honest I think I have to admit to myself that I might be struggling with clinical depression. It's something I've dealt with off and on in the past, and there's family history and all that crap. I guess I need to get actually diagnosed or something. But if I'm being perfectly honest I think I need to admit I might need to get on some medication or something.

I hate even putting this out there because I think people sort of don't understand. "Oh just be happy" or "stop stressing" or "you're just having a bad day." Um, yeah, thanks for THAT but I really think you're missing it. Anyway, this post isn't about other people so I guess that's a bit of a sidestep.

Another observation I have? It's the worst kind of catch 22 ever. I feel unstable and unmotivated towards my life, and one of the things that could possibly help (meds) feels out of reach because I'm unmotivated towards taking the steps necessary to get it. And I have a wavering view of it. One minute I think I need it (like now, 9:30 at night when there's nothing I can do about it) and the next I'm telling myself "nah, maybe you're ok."

Well for now I'm going to go paint for a bit. At least that's a bit of a mood lifter that's immediately accessible. Now that I'm thinking about it, I do have one more observation to make. Although I didn't realize it at the time, in hind sight I think I was dealing with some of the worst depression I've experienced in a while last year at about this time. THEN I didn't even have the motivation to pick up a paint brush even though I knew it would be good for me (or pick up anything really, not even the TV remote) so I guess on the bright side I can say that at least I'm not there anymore... that's still not living in the present though. That's just comparing myself to the past.

I need to see a doctor. This really isn't a self diagnosis thing. I don't even know where to start though. It just feels like another thing to be overwhelmed by in my life.

I hate this. Honesty sucks.